SOBS: Fiction: Caterpillar

Caterpillar by Jason Anthony Stavropolos

I am dreaming ... flashcards ... a girl, a lake, the end of summer and the emergence of fall fills in the background. The trees have donned their brilliant foliage as a last hurrah through which the sun cascades gently. Her hair the color of reflected sunlight on water, eyes deep wells of a color not yet characterized, a smile to hide the uneasiness, she waits with her hands furrowed in pockets. I turn to look once more at the remaining sailboat rolling back and forth upon the waves of the lake. I then go to her. ... deep maroon shades everything.

There is a repetitive voice going around in my head ... two shots to the chest, two shots to the chest, try to get some rest, it's only for the best, two shots to the chest, two shots to the chest. A magnificent roar, the pillar white of fangs. I cannot feel now, I do not know what humans are or what they do, I only know that now I am not human. Before me there lies a lock with an ornately engraved key. I find myself underwater.

I awake. The day has begun its retreat and the twilight is all that remains as evidence. I peer out the window to look at all the life on the streets. People are leaving jobs, stores are closing, bars are opening up, lighting their grills. The streets ease under the aloof footsteps of life, happy to have occupants. I grow excited by the odor of possibility the evening brings on, it seems to be mixed with the pungent smell of ozone. I am anxious now to be out among the crowds, living their lives for a moment as their shadow. And so as impatience overwhelms me I leave my apartment to roam among the herds of people.

My favorite place to go at twilight is right in the center of downtown, to catch the lingering innocence of sunlight upon the faces of all who walk by — the poor showing just how dirty and useless they are, the suited wolves out of their cages and more animal now that they are free, but scared to be without the safety of their walls. The young looking out for themselves and taking it all in, not knowing that their eyes will only be this young once; their hearts will not be this alive tomorrow.

I dip my ladle into the immense bowl of conversations stirring about me and take a drink ...

"... so I said, 'No way, I ain't eva goin' out with you again for as long as I live.'"

"Really? You told him that? Girl, whad he say? ..."

"... I don't know if selling right now is the way to go, you might want to ride it out, see what happens."

"I can't afford to lose any more money, do you know what Connie slapped me with the other day? ..."

"... if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, now stop it, dammit."

I dip my ladle into the bowl of conversations stirring about me and take a drink ... "But Mommy, I ..."

"Shut-up, for God's sake look at what you've done now! ...."

"... Hey that's my cab, you asshole. That sonofabitch. What the fuck are you looking at buddy? ..."

"... Excuse me sir, I am selling newspapers to house the homeless and I was wondering if you would like ..."

"Get lost."

"Well a good day to you too sir, I hope you fall off a damn cliff! ..."

"... it's your turn to pick."

"I don't know, we could see a play or go to dinner."

While watching this couple I feel the shadow of a ghost that haunts me. I wait for the image to come, the same image I see in my dreams. The face of a beautiful woman. But behind her stage prop smile and naked allure there is a knowing sadness filling in the lines of her face. Her eyes have that glossy appearance, just before one begins to cry. Not a sobbing cry that relieves one of all the sadness. They seem to be sacrificial tears. From her memory I feel comforted and a sense of disappointment. She does not cry for herself, she cries for another. Is she real? What is it she knows? From where do her sorrows come? Her image is violently torn away with the sound of crunching metal and ambulance sirens. I shake my head to rid it of her.

"How 'bout both?"

"Good idea. Wow, smart and pretty, where did they make you?"

"Smartass. Oh look ..."