The Mystery of Pink Floyd - by Mike Beyer

Hey, Bender. Didya see what I did there, calling the other two guys – Mason and Wright – Pink and Floyd? Ha. Ha. Didya see the comedy? Yeah, but did you understand it? Ha, ha – sorry.

Look, now I'm not taking anything away from your little Roger Waters/Dave Gilmour Floyd, 'cause they made some pretty great stoner music. I don't smoke the weed myself; it interferes with my drinking. I suppose you smoke. You do? Well. Gay.

Look, I'm not sayin' Barrett was better than Waters or Gilmour, just different. OK, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond"? I agree, it's a nonstop jam, and why? Because it's about Syd Barrett! "Mother" rules, I'll give you that, "Run Like Hell" is OK, I guess, and so is "Time." And I'll give you that Gilmour knew his way around a guitar, no question. No question. Personally, I think he kicked Jeff Beck's ass, but he's no Clapton, or even Mick Taylor, or His Majesty Jimmy Page! Hey, it's only 'cause of Gilmour that I can even stand to listen to that Final Cut shit. That album fucking sucks!

You would like The Final Cut. I suppose you liked Radio K.A.O.S. I suppose you like your songs with socially conscious lyrics and shit. Well, this is Chicago! You're in BEARS country ass-nose! We jam here!

Look, Floyd sucks and here's why. Yeah, they have some monumental guitar jams, but something's missing, you know? Now let's examine their contemporaries if you will. The Stones. The Who. Zeppelin. Sabbath. When you hear a song like, oh, let's say "FairiesWear Boots," you must immediately stand up, flip the nearest table and smash every fucking chair in the room 'cause it's that big of a GODDAM JAM. But when you play, oh, "Have A Cigar," which has an excellent Gilmour solo at the end, you must immediately sit down and stare at your fucking lava lamp with your mouth wide open.

Now: Will you give me the fact that the same people who listen to Zeppelin and Sabbath also listen to Floyd?

You wouldn't know?

Why the fuck do I waste my time with your ass? Humor me, will ya? For the sake of this argument we're having?

OK, so yes – you WOULD say that a person whose CD collection includes all of the Zeppelin and Sabbath records would also own a ton of Pink Floyd albums? You would say that. Very good, I agree with you. I myself own every CD that Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath ever recorded, and I have a very impressive bootleg collection as well.

Well, you can't see it sometime, sorry. I also own seven Pink Floyd albums, including your little Wall.

Now when this hypotheoretical person decides to put on a Zeppelin record, how would he announce it? He would say to his pals, "Let's hear some fuckin' Zeppelin." Not "here's some Zeppelin," or "Let's partake of some enjoyable Led Zeppelin music." You say fuckin' Zeppelin, 'cause ... 'cause ... they are! Same with Sabbath. You don't say Sabbath, you say "Goddam Sabbath."

Now say "Fuckin' Floyd." Now say "Goddam Floyd, they fucking rock."

See? I don't believe you. They fail the test. Yes, the Curse Test! Right, I made it up just goddam now. Don't move, I gotta take a vicious piss.

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