The Site of Big Shoulders: Fiction: The Mystery of Pink Floyd

The Mystery of Pink Floyd - by Mike Beyer

I heard what you said, and you’re a dildo. I’m telling you that Led Zeppelin made more nonstop fucking jams than any other band who ever lived, ever. So take your little Radiohead and your little Built to Spill home and go play with your blocks. I’ll be listening to goddam Physical Graffiti with the adults.

I can’t believe they let you into this tavern, child. Now finish that! ‘Cause I’m doing a shot, and so are you. Malort. If you’re man enough.

Oh, I’m a music fan. And so are you, despite that ridiculous Green Day hat. Ever hear of Cheap Trick? Goddam right you have. I’ve seen Cheap Trick 42 times, and Green Day wishes, that’s all I’ll say.

Ah, I’m fucking with ya, you know that. Tell you the truth, I’m glad you’re here. Nobody argues with me like you do, ya fuckface. I tell ya something, you’re all right. We can fuck around at the plant, blow off a little steam here at the bar. You’re a good man, Bender. After you drink that shot of Malort, you’ll be a good man face down.

YOU ARE ADDICTED TO CRACK! You’re telling me Zeppelin wasn’t even the best band of the 70's? Oh, is that right? Well, I’m sorry they’re not Fleetwood Mac or the little Guess Who – Who? Wait a minute, wait a minute, WAIT A MINUTE! What did you say?

PINK FLOYD?

I’m through talking to you. You’ve got a lot of goddam nerve, dick-tonsils. (To the rest of the bar) THIS MAN HAS THE NERVE TO TELL ME THAT PINK FLOYD IS BETTER THAN FUCKIN’ ZEPPELIN!

Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd was the best rock band of the 70’s is what you’re telling me. Oh, learn! You’re sitting there, wearing a Green Day hat and telling me Pink Floyd is the finest rock band of all time – WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, INFANT?

So what’s their best album? The Wall? Is that your answer? Am I right? Never had you pegged for suicide, Bender.

Oh please, the lyrics are ridiculous! Roger Waters handed The Wall in to Columbia, and he said, “Here’s the new album, lads. It’s called If You Want To Kill Yourself, Try This.” Please!

So? Who CARES about Zeppelin’s lyrics? They fuckin’ jam! No one cares about Robert Plant’s mother – as you so obviously care about Roger Waters’ mother. No? Oh, you just care about my mother? That was good Bender. No, really. Mature.

Look, The Wall is not Pink Floyd’s best album. It’s not even their second-best. Not even their third-best.

OK, first of all, I’m ordering shots, and a couple of Schlitzies, and then I will verbally destroy your argument, piece by motherfucking piece. Hey, HEY! Pal, it’s only 1:30 a.m.! We’re driving drunk straight from here to work! So sleep in the car!

You hate work? Quit!

All right, three albums are better than The Wall. Number three, Dark Side Of The Moon. Number two, Wish You Were Here. And number one, Piper At The goddam Gates Of Dawn. THAT’S RIGHT! Piper is a fucking jam! It is clearly the finest album in the history of Pink Floyd. I’d think it would be your favorite, with your little Beck albums, and those Apples In Stereo faggots.

Do this for me. Play one of your new 90s albums, for example, play Mutations. Beck fucking jams - fair enough. Then put on Piper. I assume you own this album, Johnny Ummagumma!

So are you listening to Mutations in your head? Uh-huh. And are you wacking off, ya FUCKING PRICK? OK. Now you’re done.

Now go put on Piper!

Doesn’t sound quite the same, does it? So right there, I’ve got two words for you: timeless music. Now here’s two more words for you: Syd Motherfucking Barrett. They poisoned him, you know. What? OF COURSE they poisoned him, ya wad! They slipped acid into his Earl Grey breakfast tea every morning for two years! Every day for two years he did acid! That’s why he went insane! Whaddaya mean, who’s they? The rest of the band! Waters wanted Gilmour in, so he got Gilmour together with the other two guys in the band - I don’t know, Pink and Floyd, let’s say - and then they poisoned him with acid so he would go nuts. And then they kicked him out. How the hell can you like a band that poisoned its leader? DAMN RIGHT THEY DID! What the fuck is wrong with you, you son of a bitch? I ought to slap you in the motherfucking face - oh, here are the shots! Thank you, Scotty!

Drink up, Bender. Malort, for men.

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