Or ... is he?

Dear sir, the experts say that if you watch too many James Bond movies, there will be ramifications.  Some of these ramifications will take shape as consequences.  Others of these shall manifest themselves in the form of a decision.  Either way, you need to keep a sharp eye out for the James Bond in all of us.

The initial entry in Ian Fleming's James Bond/007/On Her Majesty's Secret Service/British Intelligence/EON Productions/MGM-UA/License to Kill/secret agent franchise was known as Dr. No.  I think the man responsible for evil in that one was known as Dr. No.  Have you ever met an evil doctor?  Most doctors are better than the doctor in Dr. No.  It's hard to believe they gave Dr. No a license to practice medicine, let alone play medicine in a real game.  You see, Dr. No was a killer.  He felt that it was his duty to hurt people.  He liked to crush people.  Because of this, we decided to create James Bond.

James Bond is not a doctor.  He fights the enemy.  After he fights the enemy, we like him.  We try to put ourselves in his shoes when we watch his movies.  When he takes off his shoes, we feel like it's our feet in those shoes.  When he takes off a woman's underwear, we feel like he's taking off our underwear.  Mr. Bond gets to compare underwear stories with lots of full-figured young women in the James Bond movies.  Women find him irresistible because he wants to take off their underwear.

Perhaps you have met men like James Bond.  They say he is the lady's man.  I'm not sure which lady he is the man of, but a lot of women let him take off their underwear.  I don't know why.  Perhaps these full-figured and not-so-full-figured young and not-so-young women get tired of taking off their underwear themselves day in and day out.  That might explain why they are so eager to let Mr. Bond do it for them.  So that's one possible reason.  Also, the girls in James Bond films have prettier underwear than he does.  The filmmakers are careful about showing him in his underwear.  To do so too often would make him look silly and he would not be as masculine.  You can see why.  On the other hand, the women in James Bond movies usually appear to be wearing nothing but their underwear.  So you can see that underwear is a key factor in understanding the philosophy at work behind James Bond action movies.  You know that men look silly in their underwear, don't you?  I do.  I would be a fool to try to argue with you about whether or not women look better in their underwear than men.  So let's not talk about that.

James Bond likes to play with girls' underwear.  On the other hand, villains like Dr. No do not.  Villains say strange things to women, for instance, "Come with me, we shall destroy the universe, sweet meat."

But they never ask the women to take off their underwear.  This means that they are probably gay.  More importantly, they don't really care about what women wear next to their skin.  That proves how evil they are.  You don't want to let the world get taken over by someone who doesn't care about women's undergarments.  END OF STORY

From Russia With Love was the second installment of James Bond.  The James Bond character was very similar to the James Bond character we were exposed to in Dr. No.  By now, Dr. No was dead.  James Bond stole his wife and burned down the village.  But the danger wasn't over.  Now there was a villain from Russia.  I think the villain was the girl who loved James Bond, who by virtue of loving James Bond became a hero.  This girl took off her underwear and made secret agent James Bond have sex with her.  Then they videotaped it, like Watergate.  Well, at the end they were all happy.

In Goldfinger, James Bond continued to defend the honor of women who walk around in their underwear.  The theme was becoming repetitive by now, so some of the women were allowed to wear underwear made of solid gold.  It was good while it lasted.  The evil Goldfinger tried to outsmart Bond by using gay, or "thespian" women to do his dirty work, but Bond was no fool.  He converted the thespian women back to standard English and saved the day.

The fourth James Bond franchise motion picture was referred to as Thunderball.  You may have witnessed the phenomenon of thunder during rain storms or at bowling alleys.  As you may have guessed, thunder never occurs in a ball.  But the movie was called Thunderball, so it must make sense, somehow.  In that movie there were plenty of sexy women with frilly lace underwear, and as always, no one got to see James Bond's underwear.  Maybe if a woman had directed the movie, she would have lobbied for a greater emphasis on his underwear, in contradistinction to the undergarments, or "panties," worn by women.  Nonetheless, we have yet to determine what happened to the ball of thunder.  I'm not sure if they blew it up with the bomb, or that's how the villain died, but they called the movie Thunderball.

Is there life after death?  Where does your soul go when your body is destroyed?  The fifth James Bond franchise picture was You Only Live Twice.  Conventional wisdom says that you live once, die, and go to heaven.  But according to the 007 people, you can live one more time after you are already dead.  Is that weird?  Maybe you only have to die once, but you get to live twice.  That seems fair to me.  That way, you can continue to play with women's underwear even when you're dead.  There was women's underwear all over You Only Live Twice.  On the poster there are little Japanese girls bending over and giving James Bond the "what for."  I guess it's all for James Bond.  They go into space and the big mom spaceship eats the little baby spaceship, so it's a metaphor.

It's a good thing James Bond gets to live twice, because if he didn't, there never would have been any James Bond movies after You Only Live Twice.  In On Her Majesty's Secret Service they had a villain named Blofeld. He was in You Only Live Twice also, but they tried to kill him in that one.  He was still alive, so I guess you could say that he lives twice too.  He was very bad in On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  He hated everyone.  On the other hand, James Bond was very good.  He liked girls.  One of the girls didn't even wear any underwear.  His wife did, but they killed her.  So I guess you could say that wearing underwear can be hazardous to your health.

But even though they killed his wife, James Bond stayed a good guy.  You would think that the bad guys would change, but not in the James Bond 007 movies.

The evil villain Blofeld returned in the seventh franchise 007 thriller, Diamonds Are Forever.  Are they?  It's a pretty lame ass idea for a movie title.  I bet if you crushed a diamond with a giant, there wouldn't be no more diamond. STRAIGHT?

Like I was saying earlier, some women wear underwear.  Others wear a bra but no underwear.  One of the girls in Diamonds Are Forever preferred to wear panties, but no brassiere, or "bra." The bad people threw her into the swimming pool.  So the lesson here is that sometimes wearing a bra is a good idea.  Very good, even.  The other girl in Diamonds Are Forever didn't really wear clothes.  She wore skimpy bathing suits and brassieres that barely covered up her gigantic boobs.  So that's probably what saved her life.  Then they put the secret formula in her underwear and that's how they saved the world, or something.  What counts is that everyone got to see her underwear.  But only James Bond got to see inside her underwear.  It was probably because of his X-ray glasses, most likely.

In Live And Let Die, there were girls in underwear, and that was about it.  Some plot concerned voodoo and it was utterly ridiculous, but that didn't matter.  The villain was a big scary black man named Kananga, and all of his buddies were big scary black men, too.  So be careful what you say to black men!  They might be a Kananga.  Boy, was that plot ridiculous.  I guess that's how they do things in movie land.  Even though all you need is one bomb to start World War Three, the villains in James Bond land do other things.  They try to make you use drugs, or steal your food, or other stuff that would never work because, well, people will use drugs and steal food whether the villain tells them to or not.  END OF STORY!

In The Man With The Golden Gun, James Bond, agent 007, faced a big challenge.  He couldn't pull off the blond-haired woman's bikini underwear until he defeated the man with the golden gun.  They tried to steal his boat, but he wasn't having any that spank.  There was another girl, too, with dark hair, and she was tall.  After he put his hands down that girl's underpants, Scaramanga killed her.  So James Bond had to defeat Scaramanga and his golden gun for two reasons:

I hope you enjoy The Man With The Golden Gun in your own time.  It was way all up in there, back then.

The Spy Who Loved Me, the tenth On Her Majesty's Secret Service/007/Danjaq feature, represented a return to good old-fashioned classic James Bond virtues.  At the beginning, Mr. Bond had sex with a woman who turned out to be evil.  Then?  Major Anya Amasova had sex with a man who turned out to be evil.  You needed a scorecard to keep track of people's underwear in that one.  Controlling it all was Stromberg.  He liked fish.  If you crossed him, you went to sleep in the fish farm.  That puts him in the same league as Largo, Blofeld, and Kananga, and the other guy.  The Spy Who Loved Me wanted to kill James Bond because he killed the spy who loved her.  But that had to wait because Stromberg was going to feed everyone in Russia and America to the giant nuclear fish in his swimming pool.  So it was up to the Spy Who Loved Me to stop Stromberg.

At the end, Stromberg kidnaps Major Amasova and says, "Come to the water, my ocean. Let's eat the sweet squid meat together, ha ha ha ha!"

So you can tell that Stromberg is a dumb ass.  He even leaves the major tied up in the closet so he can go eat some squid by himself.  He should have eaten the girl spy's underwear at least once.  The squid will always be there.

At the end of The Spy Who Loved Me, James and Anya pull off each other's underpants and make sweet love in the tug boat.  Nobody knows why.

Moonraker was the eleventh installment in the James Bond action series.  In this one, they had spaceships and an evil plot about plants.  You could only have sex in space, but 007 didn't like that, so he ruined the plan.  Drax was a good villain of sorts, but he alienated his trusted sidekick Jaws.  This prompted Jaws to join the James Bond team, and at the end they got to have sex in space after all.  Happy endings really do come true, straight?

In For Your Eyes Only, there was a bomb and more boats, and a shark, because you have to have sharks or dogs in a James Bond movie.  The one girl didn't wear underwear, and the other girl?  You never got to see her have sweaty sex with Mr. Bond because they were underwater.  Actually, there were about five villains in For Your Eyes Only.  It was hard to pick a favorite.  The important thing was how James Bond outsmarted all of them, and once the movie was over, the girl took off her clothes in the dressing room.

The thirteenth James Bond feature was called Octopussy.  Usually, an octopus is a fish product.  As always, fish products figure prominently in the James Bond catalog.  Maud Adams is not a fish, though.  She was an octopussy.  The girl with blond hair had an "octopussy" tattoo on her arm.  So I guess you could say that it was pussy all around in that one.

A View To A Kill featured another all-star cast of four or five villains.  They got kind of redundant after a while.  The important thing was that James Bond made love to a grand total of four women in that movie.  He got to have sex on a waterbed in the Arctic Ocean, a hot tub in California, a bed, and a shower.  So the message is that you should respect water.  All the villain respected was money and silicon gold molecules or some nonsense about horses and computers.  His name was Zorin, and he was evil.

Maybe you like James Bond movies in spite of the villains and underwear.  But if you took away the underwear, and then took away all of the luscious young women who want to bond with James Bond, what would be left?  A bunch of villains.  So do the right thing.  There have been five James Bond movies since A View To A Kill, but there's no reason to see any of them.  They all have way too many villains, makes the main villain unimportant, and the girls don't spend anywhere near enough time dancing around in their underwear.  All they do is throw throwing stars and say, "I no piece of squid meat, Doctor Bond." Who wants that?

USE YOUR HEAD, PEOPLE!

My advice is that you grab a previously viewed copy of Octopussy for twelve dollars and fifty cents.

You'll thank me in the next world.

As they say, you only live twice. And "twice" is the only way to live!