ell us something about yourself. Would you describe yourself as 'snacky,' or just 'buddake'?

Neither?

Good enough, Chester. Does coffee help you make it to the end of the day? ALL the way? Does your wife's clitoris make you happier than a hot cup of Taster's Choice?

Forgive me if I ask questions of a particularly personal nature. Maybe I should even things out by divulging some information about one of my favorite guys in the world -- me. I like to build stories. Some time ago the building process began. It would be smart if I put them all together in one book.

Do you like to read books, woman? Some people, and I know them, don't like to read books very much.

Yes, when you take all of mankind as a whole, like if you were studying them, they wouldn't all be the same. Just having similar genetic structure doesn't mean we enjoy the same things, right? You probably know something about health.

've seen some definite indications that lots of people pay close attention to their bodies. One expression always confused me -- "My body's a temple." I always pictured a temple as a place you went for praying and ritual things. So how could I do that in my body? Does that make me sacred, kind of? Maybe the original meaning had more to do with Temple University in Pennsylvania. In any event, a great deal of attention is paid to exercising your body here in America. It's almost as though you only make it to Hades if you're in peak physical condition. There are just dozens upon dozens of exercise and weight loss programs you're supposed to choose from like it was a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' novel. It's like a ... a thing.

Everyone makes sure about special dietary supplements and whatnot. People obsess about cholesterol, nutrient-related issues and eating the right foods. Also, you can help your body with exercise and meditation. I remember the Carson's Fall 1999 Leather Sale commercial. She was sitting on the couch in her underwear. Her underwear wasn't made of leather but the couch was. You could tell that she was relaxing, but it wasn't always easy to relax when that commercial was on. Her body probably is a temple.

That's her, though. There's even a chance that it's a Masonic Temple.

he soul's pretty good too, though. Somewhere along the line it just got really unpopular. It happens, sure. Usually if you talk about things that are invisible, you earn the label 'crackpot.' The soul is one of these things. It's a bad idea to engage anyone in a conversation about the human soul. Even artists will tell you to knock it off because they have stuff to do. Yes, there's a lot of 'stuff' on man's mind today. It's almost as though all they care about is stuff. Like they don't care about anything they can't see or touch.

Planet Earth is packed to the gills with things you can see and touch. You can see and touch people, eh? Try explaining to Jonathan "Greed is Good" Hoenig that there's parts of a human you can't see or touch. He blasphemes when he exalts greed.

Maybe we should all take a second to get some hard-core full malt lyrics-style blasphemy.

Here's mine:

Sex sex sex sex

X The letter x symbolizes the unity of the feminine with the masculine, feminine on top of masculine. As in, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Okay, anyway, the topic was things you can touch and see.

How about polar bears? Best not to touch polar bears. You never know when a polar bear is going to haul off and go on the ballistics.

Plus, in the city, you have many cultural differences.

What if suddenly those differences didn't matter anymore? How about buying everyone you know a bottle of Gucci Rush?

It could be for Valentine's Day.

Dick Sharkwater pens The Yapper
for The Site of Big Shoulders.
Watch http://sobs.org for more
columns from The Yapper.