The Yapper

It's a new year, 2000. I thought I'd shift gears this column, and provide the faithful readers with a little entertainment news. Here's the 'outside scoop' with all apologies to Jackie Harvey.

Have you heard the latest 'buzz'? Brad Pitts may be one of the most, talented men in show biz today! People still can't get over the blockbuster performance he gave as Billy White in 'The Billy White Story' a while back.

Curious about Brad's love life? Well, the 'Outside Scoop' has you covered, amigo. Pitts has been linked to professional actress Gwyneth Paltrovich, who once carried a bow and arrow as 'Emma. Some tabloids also suggest that Mr. Pitts is a close personal friend of 'Friends' star Courtney Cox! Personally I can't stand that show. But wait until the Cox-Pitts wedding. I'm sure it will be a 'scream.'

Folks, few things are more fun than watching two women make love in a hot tub. Ever since a sage coined the phrase 'gender-bending,' we've seen things that Jerry Springer guests would fight over. It's not even shocking when a girl mechanic asks if she can 'take a look under the hood.' And people like sex so much nowadays -- real people -- that they pay close attention to existing age-of-consent laws.

One magical thing about television is that if fictional characters do something, there's probably someone doin it in real life. So how about a big fat round of applause for the Warner Boys Network's Jack and Jill show. For starters, this one has a boy named Jill. He gets to do the 'McNasty' with pretty much everyone he knows. Sound familiar? Jack, who's actually a girl, is one of those people waiting for those people waiting for that special someone. You can bet the sparks are going to fly, when Jack fetches Jill the proverbial 'palos water.' Diff'rent strokes, as they say.

Maybe reading about celebrity lifestyles isn't your bag. Personally, I'm more fond of gazing at pictures of naked women. That's why I like the soaps so much. Hey, there's an idea! If you think gossip columns are boring, then watch soap opera stars having sex. It's fun. In fact, it's almost as much fun as stepping to the mailbox and finding a brand new Victoria's Secret underwear catalog.

Inevitably some Chicagoans will object when I say that the female body is the most wonderful thing in the physical world. Even when you aren't looking at a woman, you still know she's pretty. Maybe it's like osmosis or something, huh? Got me.

What's that? You don't like to look at women's bodies? Well maybe you should look at boys. Scratch that, maybe you should just do the 'Milly.' Go ahead. I hope that South Suburban Chicago reference flew with you okay.

Stay tuned, amigo. The entertainment industry changes every day; it's been that way ever since the big woman sang herself to sleep. P.S. Don't forget to vote for Leonard DiCabriolet come Oscar time!

Dick Sharkwater pens The Yapper
for The Site of Big Shoulders.
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