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seems like everybody and the brother these days gets a column in some
newspaper or other. I remember when you needed like some genteel intellect
or enlightened views about the world to write a news column. Don't get
me wrong; when it snowed in January, Jon Kass wrote a fine piece about
how people 'got dibs over by here' by throwin a chair or a milk crate
or else some other thing in the parking spot they shoveled for themselves.
That was FUNNY. But Mr. Kass DIDN'T write about how when it was February,
all the snow was melting, and people STILL put their stuff in the road
like as if it was hard for them to clear out that parking spot when there
wasn't any SNOW left. Stupid. That's like three more columns there, right?
But you can't always expect things to go the way you think they're going to go. Like when you interrupt somebody when they're on a rant about parking tickets, maybe you tell him to shut his big YAPPER. Well, newsflash, he might not. Naturally, if you're as big as Chris Farley, I might shut it, but this is the Internet, and even if you do tell me to shut it, um, I can't really hear you, so, figure it out.
What if you say 'I got screwed ten years ago'? Whoever you're talking to probably says, 'I'm sorry. What happened?' They don't even care about when it happened, they just focus on that word, 'screwed.' Now if you just say you got laid, you avoid all of this. Readers of 'estronet' chat rooms and also the celebrated Lumpen Times may find this 'screwed-laid' dichotomy trivial. However, what about the rumors that 'dichotomy' is actually a practice common among women who love each other? I don't know. If two people are in love, they probably get some crazy ideas about what's normal and what would, you know, make the bedroom a more exciting place to be. After all, there are thousands of people in America who think they got 'normal' all figured out. I'm not saying there's no such thing as normal, I'm saying that if your idea of normal is at odds with someone else's, well, somethin's gotta give. Anyway, I saw a post on the message board about if it's violent or vulgar, can it be art? WELL. I know a little something about art, violence, and vulgarity. Come to think of it, I'm of the opinion that those three 'things' probably have as much in common as sex, drug, and rock n roll. When you start prying an art form like film soundtracks apart, piece by piece, like here's the composer, here's the scene, here's the director, well, let's just say that you can run into some complications. There's plenty of vulgar art. Violent art I don't like so much; scary movies give me nightmares. But you know, I've read like five hundred books and seen a couple paintings too, and there's still eight thousand works of art I will never see in this lifetime. I'm not going to posture myself as some kind of expert on art. Anyway, if you're an expert, speak up, huh?
And then, there's Andrew Dice Clay. Born Andrew Clay Silverstein, Dice has made a name for himself as an essayist on contemporary life, interpersonal relationships, and of course, jerkin off. Some people object to the notion that jerkin off is a suitable topic for intellectual discourse. Well, have you ever DONE it? If you have, there must be a kernel of two or wisdom you could dispense if the need arose. Like I was saying, Andrew Dice Clay likes to jerk off. If you took all of his records and made a cassette tape of 'just Dice jerk-off bits,' you'd have at least an hour of entertainment fun. Still think jerkin off can't be art? How about when you're done, and you need to clean up? Yes, Clay covered that too. Case in point: The Day the Laughter Died, Part One, 1990. Dice was talking about how you need to use a rag or something, like to tidy up after you've been jerkin it? And he tells quite a tale, friend. "I had one rag, that had so many loads in it (from jerkin off), that I hung it up on the wall and framed it. I call it 'Jerk-Off'. People think it's art." -- The Day the Laughter Died, Part One, 1990 If somebody thinks it's art, well, then it's art, right? Do you know better than Andrew Dice Clay?
"You
know, I wish you'd shut your big YAPPER!!" -- Chris Farley Dick
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you ever wonder why it's good to get 'laid,' but it's not so good to
get 'screwed.' Like in one sense, they mean the same thing, but then
again, you don't know. Or on the other hand, in the past tense, it's
bad if you got 'screwed.' So you ask yourself, 'I got screwed, but it
was fun, but now, it's bad that I got screwed.' Conversely, it's ALWAYS
good to get 'laid.' If you got laid ten years ago, you can say 'I got
laid ten years ago and it was GREAT.' 
scar
Wilde said that real art is 'useless,' it has no value to society beyond
what the one girl reading the book thinks, he said art is useless. And
look at him -- he's one of the greatest writers of the past two centuries.
Stiff competition, too -- Rosa Luxemburg, Woodrow Wilson, the Hemingways,
and the guy who wrote the screenplay for The Wizard of Oz. Well,
somebody had to say it.